#46 Continuous, forever, loop

 Hello and hi.

I came here again, expectedly. The last time I was first here was like 2007-2020. How time flies.

Sini lah tempat aku mengadu nasib. I do not expect anybody to find this safe-haven because I do not intend to. 

I have to let go this heavy heart, or else I do not find peace and move on. So if anybody does find this space in the end, I hope you understand everything comes right from my heart. 

Aku dibesarkan dengan ayah aku yang kuat pukul mak aku, tapi bukan adik beradik aku. 

Aku dibesarkan untuk membenci keluarga belah arwah aku disebabkan tiada pertolongan diberikan semasa membesarkan aku adik beradik. 

Aku hidup yatim piatu sejak umur 7 tahun, dan dibesarkan oleh atuk nenek belah mama dan kemudian mummy daddy apabila apabila umur 12 tahun. 

Aku dibesarkan oleh atuk nenek aku dalam keadaan mereka pilih kasih dan kurang kasih sayang. 

Aku dibesarkan oleh mereka dengan keadaan hidup yang tidak teratur, terabai dan lebih teruk dari kurang sempurna bila difikirkan semula apabila aku masih kecil. 

Aku ditipu diperdaya kawan yang menjanjikan kesenangan apabila aku berniat untuk menjadi rakan perniagaan. 

Aku ditipu diri sendiri apabila tidak belajar apabila peluang diberikan untuk aku belajar ke luar negara

Aku dipandang hina apabila ditipu dan semua kepercayaan aku telah dirampas dan tiada kebebasan suara diberikan. 

Aku berkahwin dengan seorang panas baran. 

Mengingatkan aku semula semua kisah lama di mana, arwah abah, atuk, mummy daddy sejenis berdendam dan panas baran. 

Aku tak expect untuk mereka faham aku. Cukuplah aku simpan di sini sahaja. Harapan aku, aku nak cari ketenangan tanpa aku fight dan naturally flow dalam hidup aku. 

Terima kasih laman ini kerana mendengar luahan aku. 

Biarlah. Biarlah. 

Aku hanya mahu tenang. 

#45 bloody nose

There are days I don't feel anything. Today is the day. 

#44 Terabai

Salam and hey.

Look. There's new entry. 

Oh... It is just another ranting about not moving on. 

You see things you shouldn't see and you get depressed the second after. 

Why do you keep doing this?

Damn. 

I've lost count. Is there any reset button here?

Let's go. 

#43 Amin

Hi there nocturnal.

Here's some random entry when you miss someone but you don't wanna them to know that the caller was from you. 

Phone beeps and picked up. 

A: Hello, Amin ko kat mana tu?

B: ...... hah??

A: Err, ni bukan Amin ke?

B: ..... Tak.

A: Eh bukan ke? Sorry sorry salah nombor. K bye.

Phone hung up. 

There's this moment you just wanted to listen to her voice to know what she'd been up to, and from that voice you heard, you'd know she is doing just fine.

#42Pencinta haiwan

I used to be a very peculiar and particular; I want everything to go as planned, at least I am satisfied that I achieve the things I dream of.

I hardly pleased. I want everything to be perfect. That was who I am, before. 

Now, my expectations are very different from before. I adapt to changes. I adapt to diversity, and I am open to cooperations more, rather than self reliance. 

It is totally to not to be okay. That is your time and moment at that point of time. It will never be permanent. But then, there are people who are really hard to understand even we are trying hard to. 

Why? 

Those people resemble who I was before. Not knowing that I was a hard headed, I felt relieved that I was no longer that kind of person.

It is okay, once again. Because it is their rights to do that, if not, I am not adhering to diversity as what I have said before. 

Yes, what am I saying is that not all people will accept diversity, change. 

One of very simple example is, my current housemate doesn't like pet. So I have to move out soon, one or another. Kiko (my cat) is my family. Not accepting him means he doesn't accept me too. 

Well move on. Will update again when I move out to another place,.

See you again. 

#41 No picture of you

Hey.

Dusty blog. We meet again.

Couple of times I tried to write an entry but always ended up I lose my motivation and finally this post is here.

Hurray! First post of 2019.

Everything is settling up as usual. Ups and down and so forth.

Moving forward.

I hated to say this, but I have once again being dumped by the people I love, I care.

It is not so unusual, I guess.

Everything I did, everything I worked for, and it turned to be, futile.

Let me cut to the chase.

I get blocked for the reason I could not find.

I just wanted a closure. A real talk. Like a man and a woman.

She declined.

And even shut me down like I was nothing to her, at all.

And, few days ago, she was saying sorry. After all of this, she came back when she could just vanished in thin layer of air.

I was waiting for to text me again so I could drop the bomb.

"Why are you doing this? The last we texted, you crushed and shattered my heart to pieces. literally.

I think she would not even start. She has no reason to do that.

I know.

But who knows? Just in case. I want to spill every thing out. MOFO

Enough of this nonsense.

But I'd still forgive her.

It is the only way I can feel peace.

Even for every heart break I went through.

I just do not want to feel sad, ever again.

Is it so much for me to ask fore?

I wanted her to know that. She looks amazingly beautiful, just like the first time I met her.

I hope I never see her face again.

It is aching.

Just to think about it.

Hillarious.

I love the time we were together.

Even if it was so limited, I'd treasure it for the rest of my life.

Do you know? I hear every song you played on your playlist.

Just to know that you are doing alright.

Take care.

#40 We are Better than this

Hello and hey marsupials.

I'm fucking sad at the moment.

I'm listening to emo songs, again.

That's one thing that made me feel better, at least.

And somehow, I tired to leave all other things that will consume me.

Dota, cigarettes, sleep, doing nothing, watching porns, sulking about what happened for a week.

Instead, I have other better things to do. I know that I could do better. I am better than this.

It's very hard.

I felt like screaming my lungs out. Hoping someone could hear me at the other side.

I just have to train myself to be stronger, I guess. That's the only chance I have.

I fucked it up all over again.

You used to make the light shine for me. The sun has left my sky.

You're giving up on me.

Maybe, partly, was due to my fault.

That I couldn't catch up.

That I'm being diffferent.

Not myself.

I'm not just an empty, empty with you.

You will never hear me say, neither hear my thousands confessions that you'll not find.

I will just be right here empyy with you.

I wish you happiness.

Go. You deserve better.

Goodluck and take care.