#46 Continuous, forever, loop

 Hello and hi.

I came here again, expectedly. The last time I was first here was like 2007-2020. How time flies.

Sini lah tempat aku mengadu nasib. I do not expect anybody to find this safe-haven because I do not intend to. 

I have to let go this heavy heart, or else I do not find peace and move on. So if anybody does find this space in the end, I hope you understand everything comes right from my heart. 

Aku dibesarkan dengan ayah aku yang kuat pukul mak aku, tapi bukan adik beradik aku. 

Aku dibesarkan untuk membenci keluarga belah arwah aku disebabkan tiada pertolongan diberikan semasa membesarkan aku adik beradik. 

Aku hidup yatim piatu sejak umur 7 tahun, dan dibesarkan oleh atuk nenek belah mama dan kemudian mummy daddy apabila apabila umur 12 tahun. 

Aku dibesarkan oleh atuk nenek aku dalam keadaan mereka pilih kasih dan kurang kasih sayang. 

Aku dibesarkan oleh mereka dengan keadaan hidup yang tidak teratur, terabai dan lebih teruk dari kurang sempurna bila difikirkan semula apabila aku masih kecil. 

Aku ditipu diperdaya kawan yang menjanjikan kesenangan apabila aku berniat untuk menjadi rakan perniagaan. 

Aku ditipu diri sendiri apabila tidak belajar apabila peluang diberikan untuk aku belajar ke luar negara

Aku dipandang hina apabila ditipu dan semua kepercayaan aku telah dirampas dan tiada kebebasan suara diberikan. 

Aku berkahwin dengan seorang panas baran. 

Mengingatkan aku semula semua kisah lama di mana, arwah abah, atuk, mummy daddy sejenis berdendam dan panas baran. 

Aku tak expect untuk mereka faham aku. Cukuplah aku simpan di sini sahaja. Harapan aku, aku nak cari ketenangan tanpa aku fight dan naturally flow dalam hidup aku. 

Terima kasih laman ini kerana mendengar luahan aku. 

Biarlah. Biarlah. 

Aku hanya mahu tenang. 

#45 bloody nose

There are days I don't feel anything. Today is the day. 

#44 Terabai

Salam and hey.

Look. There's new entry. 

Oh... It is just another ranting about not moving on. 

You see things you shouldn't see and you get depressed the second after. 

Why do you keep doing this?

Damn. 

I've lost count. Is there any reset button here?

Let's go. 

#43 Amin

Hi there nocturnal.

Here's some random entry when you miss someone but you don't wanna them to know that the caller was from you. 

Phone beeps and picked up. 

A: Hello, Amin ko kat mana tu?

B: ...... hah??

A: Err, ni bukan Amin ke?

B: ..... Tak.

A: Eh bukan ke? Sorry sorry salah nombor. K bye.

Phone hung up. 

There's this moment you just wanted to listen to her voice to know what she'd been up to, and from that voice you heard, you'd know she is doing just fine.

#42Pencinta haiwan

I used to be a very peculiar and particular; I want everything to go as planned, at least I am satisfied that I achieve the things I dream of.

I hardly pleased. I want everything to be perfect. That was who I am, before. 

Now, my expectations are very different from before. I adapt to changes. I adapt to diversity, and I am open to cooperations more, rather than self reliance. 

It is totally to not to be okay. That is your time and moment at that point of time. It will never be permanent. But then, there are people who are really hard to understand even we are trying hard to. 

Why? 

Those people resemble who I was before. Not knowing that I was a hard headed, I felt relieved that I was no longer that kind of person.

It is okay, once again. Because it is their rights to do that, if not, I am not adhering to diversity as what I have said before. 

Yes, what am I saying is that not all people will accept diversity, change. 

One of very simple example is, my current housemate doesn't like pet. So I have to move out soon, one or another. Kiko (my cat) is my family. Not accepting him means he doesn't accept me too. 

Well move on. Will update again when I move out to another place,.

See you again. 

#41 No picture of you

Hey.

Dusty blog. We meet again.

Couple of times I tried to write an entry but always ended up I lose my motivation and finally this post is here.

Hurray! First post of 2019.

Everything is settling up as usual. Ups and down and so forth.

Moving forward.

I hated to say this, but I have once again being dumped by the people I love, I care.

It is not so unusual, I guess.

Everything I did, everything I worked for, and it turned to be, futile.

Let me cut to the chase.

I get blocked for the reason I could not find.

I just wanted a closure. A real talk. Like a man and a woman.

She declined.

And even shut me down like I was nothing to her, at all.

And, few days ago, she was saying sorry. After all of this, she came back when she could just vanished in thin layer of air.

I was waiting for to text me again so I could drop the bomb.

"Why are you doing this? The last we texted, you crushed and shattered my heart to pieces. literally.

I think she would not even start. She has no reason to do that.

I know.

But who knows? Just in case. I want to spill every thing out. MOFO

Enough of this nonsense.

But I'd still forgive her.

It is the only way I can feel peace.

Even for every heart break I went through.

I just do not want to feel sad, ever again.

Is it so much for me to ask fore?

I wanted her to know that. She looks amazingly beautiful, just like the first time I met her.

I hope I never see her face again.

It is aching.

Just to think about it.

Hillarious.

I love the time we were together.

Even if it was so limited, I'd treasure it for the rest of my life.

Do you know? I hear every song you played on your playlist.

Just to know that you are doing alright.

Take care.

#40 We are Better than this

Hello and hey marsupials.

I'm fucking sad at the moment.

I'm listening to emo songs, again.

That's one thing that made me feel better, at least.

And somehow, I tired to leave all other things that will consume me.

Dota, cigarettes, sleep, doing nothing, watching porns, sulking about what happened for a week.

Instead, I have other better things to do. I know that I could do better. I am better than this.

It's very hard.

I felt like screaming my lungs out. Hoping someone could hear me at the other side.

I just have to train myself to be stronger, I guess. That's the only chance I have.

I fucked it up all over again.

You used to make the light shine for me. The sun has left my sky.

You're giving up on me.

Maybe, partly, was due to my fault.

That I couldn't catch up.

That I'm being diffferent.

Not myself.

I'm not just an empty, empty with you.

You will never hear me say, neither hear my thousands confessions that you'll not find.

I will just be right here empyy with you.

I wish you happiness.

Go. You deserve better.

Goodluck and take care.

#39 Awak

Part of me doesn't want to let you go, wanted you to stay.

And another part thinks that I may not good enough for you.

#latenightthoughts

#38 Mati Kutu

Hello.

Pernah tak kau rasa kusut bila sesuatu berlaku dan kau tak boleh nak buat apa apa? Lebih khusus, kau rindu seseorang tapi kau tak mampu untuk bercakap dengan dia kerana kau dah rosakkan segalanya.

Thats how I felt everytime. Every. Single. Time.

I miss my important people. I miss you. Everything seemed to me like a ghost. Empty. You felt the presence yet you could not do anything.

#37 Senyum Kambing

Hi.

To this moment, I used to watch all my pictures with her right beside me. And it made me smile. Like a fool, knowing that she was there.

I like the way she smiled, and it turned me into something that I'm not.

But now it seemed all that were now in the past. To feel happy is only temporary. Who am I to question when everything happened was just a borrowing from Him?

Even so, Im grateful, even if it is just for a little moment. Because I haven't felt this feeling for a long time. At least, I had the chance again, well, to love someone.

Im just hoping that, at the end of the side over there, I'm seeing myself as the one I'm proud of myself, telling the 'me' now to keep holding on, heads up, and cheer a little more and enjoying life as much as I can.

It is not the end product I'm looking at, it is the process that I'm concentrating at. Many people were wrong about this.

My dear self, I love you, just so you know.

#36 Blackhole

Today is going to be a lengthy post, just because I want to let out yo my loyal listener, you.

By the time I'm writing this post, I'm currently listening to strong songs,
When I say strong, it means songs like Saosin, Matchbook Romance, and pretty much older The Used songs.

I just met with this girl, and she is nice, warmth, cheerful and I'm happy to be with around her.

We met at Tinder.

And as much as I know about her, she has a history just like mine; being hardbroken and finding a way out just like me.

And here, the story is actually is began to change its direction.

I like everything about her, the flaws, when it is actually the other charm side of her

The problem is,

I cant really know whether she had already move on from her past relationship.

It was hard for me, when I cant really read her heart. Whether being with me was her sweet escape from reality

even just for a while.

Just so to know that, she is ambitious, I can see her career path looked bright and she is capable to do much things.

And this also, where I stopped, hesitated, and numb for a little bit

Because, there is other side of me telling that I'm not worthy of her.

Even if I do, I cant really promise myself that I am ever ready for the relationship.

We both had no strings attached, just in the process of knowing each other.

This is hard, because the other side of me is as well, want her, longing of her, and maybe, love her.

We shared daily life stories together

What had she eat, her schedules and everything

Just I dont know

That she thinks alike, that I want her in my future, as much as, she, too.

But for now, it is just dark, and blurry.

Lets hope for the best.

She has a wonderful life, minus her ex being a jerk to her

He family too, is beautiful and warmth

On the other side, mine was broken, and I had very bad history in the past

The concerned I had right now is, is she willing to stay?

Because for the record, I'm not surprised with people leaving. It is norm.

But then, this insecurities kept killing me.

It's hard, to fall in love, when all the best things that occurred when I fell for someone,

became my past that I dont even want to remember.

Oh Allah, please guide me, as You are the most understanding, the most merciful.

Amin

#35 Hilang

Hari demi hari
Silih berganti
Di perkarangan jauhari
Ku menanti
Sesuatu yang tak pasti
Di kemudian hari
Hatiku bagai dikunci
Tertutup dengan rapi
Hingga ku takuti
Oleh diriku sendiri
Akhirnya ku lalui
Berseorangan diri
Menanti imaginasi
Yang tak mungkin aku tepati
Yang mungkin dapat aku janji
Akan diriku kini
Biarlah aku jalani
Perjalanan yang tiada henti
Agar harapan yang penuh di hati
Akan terus mekar dan berapi
Bersama sama dengan orang yang ku cintai.

#30 Fobia

Salam and hey

Today im gonna talk about fear. Everyobe has it, and not everyone has proper channel or way to vent it all out or counter those phobias.

Well i have one, at least im aware the most

My phobia, or my worries are basically

Getting too attached to someone,

Meaning

I am gettting scared of losing people i care about.

This is why I always draws a line

In hoping that i will not cross it

In fear of i will not anticipated a huge disappointment

Because my heart gets shattered everytime

When a person walks away from my life

Forever.

That is why i drew the line

To not get my hopes high

Just to let die in the middle of the road

Because

Ive seen much, Ive heard enough

Or maybe
Just maybe

Im better off alone.

Just maybe.

Until today,

Ive not find any way yet to overcome this fear

That has been eating my souls for so many years now

But

I always believe that someone

Will let me out from this vicious cycle

Because I believe in faith and hopes.

What a dreamer, am I?

#29 Pergi Je

Salam and hey,

This post is dedicated to all people whom I care significantly, or insignificantly in my life.

If I do love you, I really do, and I mean it evey word I say.

But if you keep igoring me, somehow every people on earth will eventually become tired, including me.

I hate to say this, but you are just wasting both of our time.

I tried so hard to get to you and you acted as if I was nothing to you.

For that, I have neither strength or interest to keep this relationship going.

I just wish someone to love and like me the way I like and love her, too.

Love works both ways, not just one journey.

Im sorry

When time is gone, you will never able to see me again.

Goodbye

#34 Berehat dari Perpecahan (literal meaning)

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine _ You look so beautiful tonight
Remind me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands
But could you find it in your heart?
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart?
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces

#33 Siren berkumandang

Saturated, mess, blur.

In this instance, I'll take everything in this life.

#32 Lukisan yang terindah

Sometimes it feels like I don't really know what's going on,
Time and time again it feels like everything is wrong in here.

#31 Growing Up

Growing up,

I never thought it was this far,
Whenever I looked back,
There is always this feeling,
Missing out,
The people,
The moments,
The memories,
That tight up so much
That I do not even thought
Of much it felt
When everything is gone
Everyone is leaving
While the heart remembers
Every single thing
The ache of remembering is so real

Growing up,

It was the best ever thing,
If, and only if,
It stays forever
The people,
The one I wish to stay
To be my strength,
To be my catalyst,
Moving forward,
To feel that everything, anything,
Seems possible with them,
Standing side by side
The glory,
The eager of feeling that he can do much more,
Everything seems borderless,
With their smiles ignite
Do make me smile too
Eventually it was a dream,
At least for now,
Blur,
Blunt,
Clueless,
Hazy,
Confused.

Growing up,

Is still a battle of mine,
Marching forward,
To see the infinity direction,
To not be deceived by temptation,
To give up,
To feel low,
To look small,
To stop,
For it is only the beginning,
Of something bigger
More wonderful,
More meaningful,
Of who am I
To walk through endless torns,
To step on edgy pavements,
To trudge along the muddy mud,
To crawl under the narrow road
To find purpose of life,
To find my direction,
To find myself.

Oh God, you are the only one I had left
No, from the start.
It was only you. Please guide your humble servant to the way You wanted.
If You permits,
Let me have an ease mind and heart
At least, I know
That it does happened and
The memories are mine to keep
That is all.

#30 Sugar Rush

You insist to make things harder and even note harder.

I had given my all, at least from what I think. If you want to play games with me, I should have let go a long time ago.

Sometimes, I just feel like giving up. The reason was not there anymore. You were not there anymore.

It should be me. It should have been me. I can't lie. I feel alone.

#28 Through

Salam and hey.

First post and might not so often to update, well it depends on my mood which is pretty unstable lately.

Its 2017 and I can say I can see where In heading. Hopelully.

Still difficult, still harsh, still juggling but manageable. Im just being too comfortable might as well as need to get out from this comfy zone. Praying hard for it.

To be honest, Im still searching purpose of this life. What I want to be, who I want to be with, because it is still so blurry and lost.

Love life?

I try to open my heart and like this person, but it's hard, because I cant give in too much, because I afraid I'll get hurt again.

Let's just play by the sideline, and only make move when it is virtually certain. That both have that mutual feeling. I hope I dont lose much, I hope she's the person I'm looking for. This isn't a bet, just my effort to do what's best.

Just in case everything didn't work out, I can see still smile and pray for happiness for her. We just plan, the one executes is the One aboves us.

Amin

I dont go all out, but I do give a damn to do what it takes to be the better person everyday. Life is precious. Cherish it

To break the surrounding is to break from the inside

And also, keep refresh my intention everyday because it's getting unstable for I didn't do my best to achieve my best, yet