#30 Sugar Rush

You insist to make things harder and even note harder.

I had given my all, at least from what I think. If you want to play games with me, I should have let go a long time ago.

Sometimes, I just feel like giving up. The reason was not there anymore. You were not there anymore.

It should be me. It should have been me. I can't lie. I feel alone.

#28 Through

Salam and hey.

First post and might not so often to update, well it depends on my mood which is pretty unstable lately.

Its 2017 and I can say I can see where In heading. Hopelully.

Still difficult, still harsh, still juggling but manageable. Im just being too comfortable might as well as need to get out from this comfy zone. Praying hard for it.

To be honest, Im still searching purpose of this life. What I want to be, who I want to be with, because it is still so blurry and lost.

Love life?

I try to open my heart and like this person, but it's hard, because I cant give in too much, because I afraid I'll get hurt again.

Let's just play by the sideline, and only make move when it is virtually certain. That both have that mutual feeling. I hope I dont lose much, I hope she's the person I'm looking for. This isn't a bet, just my effort to do what's best.

Just in case everything didn't work out, I can see still smile and pray for happiness for her. We just plan, the one executes is the One aboves us.

Amin

I dont go all out, but I do give a damn to do what it takes to be the better person everyday. Life is precious. Cherish it

To break the surrounding is to break from the inside

And also, keep refresh my intention everyday because it's getting unstable for I didn't do my best to achieve my best, yet

#29 Untitled

Salam and hey,

Welcome to another year. Another joy, another thrill, another challenge.

I feel blessed as to date.

Alhamdulillah

Page 30 of 365.

I don't really know how to say this. It gets lost on translation as I wanted to type in words.

It's not because of I'm getting old that I made huge fuss of.

It's just, I don't seem to find my way, just yet. And the one I want to spend and share my whole life with.

I don't need fans. I don't need crowd of people cheering for me. I just need one favourite person, I can relate with, share all my opinions and suggestions, even how silly it looked like.

I tried.

Many times.

As time goes thorough, I become more relaxed. More calm. Another rejection was not really a problem.

Because that's how life teaches us.

The only thing I couldn't understand was, a silent treatment.

All I get all this time.

It happened to me all the time.

It's hard. To know what went wrong, and you did not know, anything.

But

You can't never give up.

Never.

Maybe, just maybe this time, I confront.

Ask,  communicate.

It is that easy, right!?

Find own fault, before pointing out to others.

Let's do this.

You will soon find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I love you.

It's been 15 years.

I will find time to pay a visit, I just miss you both mama, abah.

You know that I'm stronger than ever, right?

The title was a song by Finch.

Till next time

Dota - Pengakuan

Salam and hey,

I still had my bruises in my heart that needed to be healed, and it still takes time, until today. Despite all the hardship,  I praised to God for all his kindness and blessings that He has given us. The most merciful and the great.'

For today, I wanted to share about this addictive, favourite game is Dota.

I agree, this game is fucking addictive, and I know, because of this game, I had made many wrong judgements and decisions in my life. For some reason, I know it is not good to continue on playing this game, but I had my reasons too, on why I kept on playing this game.

1) I feel lonely
2) I feel sad
3) I feel anger
4) I need time for myself
5) I hate people around me

But then, when I get older, I realised things have changed. I have sense that my life gave me purpose than just playing this game.

1) I have people who accept me for who I am
2) I feel belonged
3) I feel loved
4) They need me

Enough for this reason, I think dota has no longer affecting me I think I have much control now in a sense that they much more important in my life, rather than just playing.

I love them. I want to be with them, for as lon as I can lived.

K, bye

#27 Bila Babi Bermacam-macam Rupa

Fuck you. That's all

#26 Patung dan Bayang-bayang

Salam and hey, 

I thought writing a blog wouldn't have to be so personal but as time got through, some things get so tensed and you would hope that you just keep things just for yourself. Humans are complicated when it comes to feelings. 

I lamented myself for being slow for understanding how people would feel towards each other. I keep things simple as problems should never be hard to solve. It's just that when emotion comes into play, it became so hard.  

My mind is lost, like an empty soul, thinking where and when would I headed next. My heart had been brainwashed until I can't no longer feel anything. Everything seems to be so unreal and there's nothing I can do about it. 

The best way to keep on living right now is to be as neutral as I can be in enduring all kinds of fortunes and mishaps I faced in the future. 

This means that I should not be happy when great things come into life,  and I should not be sad when some people or things are taken away from me.  It sounds insane  and crazy to think about it, but that's the only choice I have at the moment. 

Be like the shadow who doesn't feel anything but at the end he is still right there.  Be like a puppet, who doesn't have to feel bad when people took over you and still you did the best performance out there. 

It is not a demolition of yourself, it is how you play the bad cards and still take over the game and winning it.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

-Confucius 

#25 Jejak yang samar-samar

Salam and heyy,

In a serious note, I felt time easily munching my life force, slowly devouring. I noticed it and all I did, nothing.

Too comfort. I need to get out from this circle, from this soothing place.

To the yesterdays feelings, I do believe still you'd be real. And for that, I keep in my heart, as far as I can remember. I just need an extra hand. I'm pretty much handicapped right now, to be honest. Until then,