#41 No picture of you

Hey.

Dusty blog. We meet again.

Couple of times I tried to write an entry but always ended up I lose my motivation and finally this post is here.

Hurray! First post of 2019.

Everything is settling up as usual. Ups and down and so forth.

Moving forward.

I hated to say this, but I have once again being dumped by the people I love, I care.

It is not so unusual, I guess.

Everything I did, everything I worked for, and it turned to be, futile.

Let me cut to the chase.

I get blocked for the reason I could not find.

I just wanted a closure. A real talk. Like a man and a woman.

She declined.

And even shut me down like I was nothing to her, at all.

And, few days ago, she was saying sorry. After all of this, she came back when she could just vanished in thin layer of air.

I was waiting for to text me again so I could drop the bomb.

"Why are you doing this? The last we texted, you crushed and shattered my heart to pieces. literally.

I think she would not even start. She has no reason to do that.

I know.

But who knows? Just in case. I want to spill every thing out. MOFO

Enough of this nonsense.

But I'd still forgive her.

It is the only way I can feel peace.

Even for every heart break I went through.

I just do not want to feel sad, ever again.

Is it so much for me to ask fore?

I wanted her to know that. She looks amazingly beautiful, just like the first time I met her.

I hope I never see her face again.

It is aching.

Just to think about it.

Hillarious.

I love the time we were together.

Even if it was so limited, I'd treasure it for the rest of my life.

Do you know? I hear every song you played on your playlist.

Just to know that you are doing alright.

Take care.

#40 We are Better than this

Hello and hey marsupials.

I'm fucking sad at the moment.

I'm listening to emo songs, again.

That's one thing that made me feel better, at least.

And somehow, I tired to leave all other things that will consume me.

Dota, cigarettes, sleep, doing nothing, watching porns, sulking about what happened for a week.

Instead, I have other better things to do. I know that I could do better. I am better than this.

It's very hard.

I felt like screaming my lungs out. Hoping someone could hear me at the other side.

I just have to train myself to be stronger, I guess. That's the only chance I have.

I fucked it up all over again.

You used to make the light shine for me. The sun has left my sky.

You're giving up on me.

Maybe, partly, was due to my fault.

That I couldn't catch up.

That I'm being diffferent.

Not myself.

I'm not just an empty, empty with you.

You will never hear me say, neither hear my thousands confessions that you'll not find.

I will just be right here empyy with you.

I wish you happiness.

Go. You deserve better.

Goodluck and take care.

#39 Awak

Part of me doesn't want to let you go, wanted you to stay.

And another part thinks that I may not good enough for you.

#latenightthoughts

#38 Mati Kutu

Hello.

Pernah tak kau rasa kusut bila sesuatu berlaku dan kau tak boleh nak buat apa apa? Lebih khusus, kau rindu seseorang tapi kau tak mampu untuk bercakap dengan dia kerana kau dah rosakkan segalanya.

Thats how I felt everytime. Every. Single. Time.

I miss my important people. I miss you. Everything seemed to me like a ghost. Empty. You felt the presence yet you could not do anything.

#37 Senyum Kambing

Hi.

To this moment, I used to watch all my pictures with her right beside me. And it made me smile. Like a fool, knowing that she was there.

I like the way she smiled, and it turned me into something that I'm not.

But now it seemed all that were now in the past. To feel happy is only temporary. Who am I to question when everything happened was just a borrowing from Him?

Even so, Im grateful, even if it is just for a little moment. Because I haven't felt this feeling for a long time. At least, I had the chance again, well, to love someone.

Im just hoping that, at the end of the side over there, I'm seeing myself as the one I'm proud of myself, telling the 'me' now to keep holding on, heads up, and cheer a little more and enjoying life as much as I can.

It is not the end product I'm looking at, it is the process that I'm concentrating at. Many people were wrong about this.

My dear self, I love you, just so you know.

#36 Blackhole

Today is going to be a lengthy post, just because I want to let out yo my loyal listener, you.

By the time I'm writing this post, I'm currently listening to strong songs,
When I say strong, it means songs like Saosin, Matchbook Romance, and pretty much older The Used songs.

I just met with this girl, and she is nice, warmth, cheerful and I'm happy to be with around her.

We met at Tinder.

And as much as I know about her, she has a history just like mine; being hardbroken and finding a way out just like me.

And here, the story is actually is began to change its direction.

I like everything about her, the flaws, when it is actually the other charm side of her

The problem is,

I cant really know whether she had already move on from her past relationship.

It was hard for me, when I cant really read her heart. Whether being with me was her sweet escape from reality

even just for a while.

Just so to know that, she is ambitious, I can see her career path looked bright and she is capable to do much things.

And this also, where I stopped, hesitated, and numb for a little bit

Because, there is other side of me telling that I'm not worthy of her.

Even if I do, I cant really promise myself that I am ever ready for the relationship.

We both had no strings attached, just in the process of knowing each other.

This is hard, because the other side of me is as well, want her, longing of her, and maybe, love her.

We shared daily life stories together

What had she eat, her schedules and everything

Just I dont know

That she thinks alike, that I want her in my future, as much as, she, too.

But for now, it is just dark, and blurry.

Lets hope for the best.

She has a wonderful life, minus her ex being a jerk to her

He family too, is beautiful and warmth

On the other side, mine was broken, and I had very bad history in the past

The concerned I had right now is, is she willing to stay?

Because for the record, I'm not surprised with people leaving. It is norm.

But then, this insecurities kept killing me.

It's hard, to fall in love, when all the best things that occurred when I fell for someone,

became my past that I dont even want to remember.

Oh Allah, please guide me, as You are the most understanding, the most merciful.

Amin

#35 Hilang

Hari demi hari
Silih berganti
Di perkarangan jauhari
Ku menanti
Sesuatu yang tak pasti
Di kemudian hari
Hatiku bagai dikunci
Tertutup dengan rapi
Hingga ku takuti
Oleh diriku sendiri
Akhirnya ku lalui
Berseorangan diri
Menanti imaginasi
Yang tak mungkin aku tepati
Yang mungkin dapat aku janji
Akan diriku kini
Biarlah aku jalani
Perjalanan yang tiada henti
Agar harapan yang penuh di hati
Akan terus mekar dan berapi
Bersama sama dengan orang yang ku cintai.