Sunday, 29 January 2017

#29 Untitled

Salam and hey,

Welcome to another year. Another joy, another thrill, another challenge.

I feel blessed as to date.

Alhamdulillah

Page 30 of 365.

I don't really know how to say this. It gets lost on translation as I wanted to type in words.

It's not because of I'm getting old that I made huge fuss of.

It's just, I don't seem to find my way, just yet. And the one I want to spend and share my whole life with.

I don't need fans. I don't need crowd of people cheering for me. I just need one favourite person, I can relate with, share all my opinions and suggestions, even how silly it looked like.

I tried.

Many times.

As time goes thorough, I become more relaxed. More calm. Another rejection was not really a problem.

Because that's how life teaches us.

The only thing I couldn't understand was, a silent treatment.

All I get all this time.

It happened to me all the time.

It's hard. To know what went wrong, and you did not know, anything.

But

You can't never give up.

Never.

Maybe, just maybe this time, I confront.

Ask,  communicate.

It is that easy, right!?

Find own fault, before pointing out to others.

Let's do this.

You will soon find the light at the end of the tunnel.

I love you.

It's been 15 years.

I will find time to pay a visit, I just miss you both mama, abah.

You know that I'm stronger than ever, right?

The title was a song by Finch.

Till next time

Monday, 26 December 2016

Dota - Pengakuan

Salam and hey,

I still had my bruises in my heart that needed to be healed, and it still takes time, until today. Despite all the hardship,  I praised to God for all his kindness and blessings that He has given us. The most merciful and the great.'

For today, I wanted to share about this addictive, favourite game is Dota.

I agree, this game is fucking addictive, and I know, because of this game, I had made many wrong judgements and decisions in my life. For some reason, I know it is not good to continue on playing this game, but I had my reasons too, on why I kept on playing this game.

1) I feel lonely
2) I feel sad
3) I feel anger
4) I need time for myself
5) I hate people around me

But then, when I get older, I realised things have changed. I have sense that my life gave me purpose than just playing this game.

1) I have people who accept me for who I am
2) I feel belonged
3) I feel loved
4) They need me

Enough for this reason, I think dota has no longer affecting me I think I have much control now in a sense that they much more important in my life, rather than just playing.

I love them. I want to be with them, for as lon as I can lived.

K, bye

Friday, 6 May 2016

#26 Patung dan Bayang-bayang

Salam and hey, 

I thought writing a blog wouldn't have to be so personal but as time got through, some things get so tensed and you would hope that you just keep things just for yourself. Humans are complicated when it comes to feelings. 

I lamented myself for being slow for understanding how people would feel towards each other. I keep things simple as problems should never be hard to solve. It's just that when emotion comes into play, it became so hard.  

My mind is lost, like an empty soul, thinking where and when would I headed next. My heart had been brainwashed until I can't no longer feel anything. Everything seems to be so unreal and there's nothing I can do about it. 

The best way to keep on living right now is to be as neutral as I can be in enduring all kinds of fortunes and mishaps I faced in the future. 

This means that I should not be happy when great things come into life,  and I should not be sad when some people or things are taken away from me.  It sounds insane  and crazy to think about it, but that's the only choice I have at the moment. 

Be like the shadow who doesn't feel anything but at the end he is still right there.  Be like a puppet, who doesn't have to feel bad when people took over you and still you did the best performance out there. 

It is not a demolition of yourself, it is how you play the bad cards and still take over the game and winning it.


Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
-Confucius 

Monday, 2 May 2016

#25 Jejak yang samar-samar

Salam and heyy,


In a serious note, I felt time easily munching my life force, slowly devouring. I noticed it and all I did, nothing.

Too comfort. I need to get out from this circle, from this soothing place.

To the yesterdays feelings, I do believe still you'd be real. And for that, I keep in my heart, as far as I can remember. I just need an extra hand. I'm pretty much handicapped right now, to be honest. Until then,

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

#24 Yang terlewatkan

Salam and hey,

Today might be the longest entry Ive ever posted, and it is going to be a bit lengthy and an emotional one, but in a good way.

For the past few days in this month of April, I had observed all kind of people around me, and I tried to understand for the behaviour for most of the observed participants.

I wanted to state clearly that I have no other mean of judging people or discriminating them in any way, it is just that I want to learn the best of them and apply to my daily dose of life.

It is surprisingly to know that people can change so fast that you would be afraid and you hope it will not happen to you. For instance, being the breadwinner for the family and, upon sudden, you have lost it and the world seemed tumbling down. Ut is so hard that everyday you have to think every penny before you spent and every night you just could not sleep well.


Well, that's one thing. You just have to keep believe and hope. That is all.


I have no longer gain control of what I am, what am I going to be, because I have lost in so many wat and even considering that I have nothing to lose for and hold on into; made me powerless. Somehow, I almost on the point of living lifeless soul that just go with the flow.

There is time when I am so busy that I almost forget most of the things that have bothering me. But there is a time, it strikes so hard that I almost turned away and wishing it had never happened to me. It feels so pain in the inside that you just want to puke away. That moment was for me, and prolly to anybody else too.  And there was this time, I passes through my mum's place, and I could not just stop tearing eventhough my brother was beside me and of course, he did not realise that.

Some of the people I observed had simply lost touch with their Creator. I asked why. The most common thing I heard is, "you don't know what is happening to me," or maybe simply because they did not even care at all.

Tough life.

But there is some people who manage it so well that I keen to approach and learn from them. I do. But of course, it may not be an easy task. Some of them might just weed out and mind their own businesses, like someone I know, and i do still care about. But do not get me wrong, there is still kind people out there, there is. A rare population that keeps on decreasing in number. Deficit.

But it is okay, I forgive her.

____________

Terlalu ramai yang aku terlepas dan terlewati. Mungkin sebab aku tak kisah, atau memang itu yang terbaik untuk aku. Aku melihat satu demi satu orang yang aku sayang meninggalkan aku. Tapi itulah, aku redha dengan semua ketentuan-Nya. Mumgkin itu yang perlu aku harungi untuk jadi yang terbaik dari yant sebelumnya.


Mungkin.


Aku doakan yang baik baik kepada semua yang mengenali aku. Walau mereka tidak lagi kenal atau berhubung, aku tahu mereka yang aku kenali itu cuba yang terbaik untuk membaiki dan menaik taraf kehidupan masing-masing. Itu aje yang boleh aku cakap.


_______________

My kind of drought season seemed to be far from ending. Sometimes I envy of those who had better life, who had better way of managing their crisis. Or maybe I just only see the best part of them without knowing their history. True, it is not fair judgemental. I remember how one of my tweet's reply which I try digest wherever or whenever I lost myself. It goes like this,


"Different people are blessed with different blessings. They are also tested with different trials. Always being grateful is the key."


Simply said, even though he is a successful pilot who earns more than other does not make him holier than tho. This is a toxic mentality that I have been trying to keep away every single day. We just might not know his trials are, so we cannot judge. At least on the surface of the said people. I, too, need to be more comtemplating from my resounding life, at this point of life

I had found many of my previous classmates and recently, the one I used to like and had crush for. Ha ha

I did not recognise her at first, but she remembered me the little tiny thing that made me touched. The keyword was, she was sitting next to me in class. I was blushed. From there, I remember her clearly and the missing pieces started to attach to themselves. How can I not remember, when it was one of the cherished moment of my life. She changed a lot the last time I met her, and looking back at her pictures, I started to imagine how long it has been since we last talked. It was blissful.

She had a daughter and she resembles a lot like her mother. I wish to talk more and I know that I have to set my limit, just because it was all in the past, it is too late to start over. It is just I can't take it anymore that I cried so hard in the inside knowing that it was not meant for me.




Life is tough, in my opinion for those who do not have, or do not wish to have partner in their life, in which I am for the second. If everyone has their backbone, their helping hand, I am sure everything is possible.

And I just can't seemed to move on with this one particular person. Maybe because the way she treated me wrong, it does not mean that I have to wronged her back. The anger, the despise, and the urge to settle the score keeps pumping in, or I at least wanted to talk again for some time, for old time sake.




If I was able to express a thing about her; heartless, selfish, arrogant, bitch, soul-less, nut-headed, selfless, ungrateful. But that is not me, I would throw such word towards anyone. I want to be the best of me.

And I just want to take what's mine. 

But at the end of the day, we are still who we are, the only changes are the choices that we made. I just want to be the best of me. Till then, o Allah give this weak servant of yours to be the best version of him. Please do not give more heart break. You are the one and only. And stop this servant of yours from  going astray. Ameen



"It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone, it's not the same"

Friday, 13 November 2015

#23 Janji yang tak ditepati

P/s: This is going to be a teary-kinda post. Get yourself prepared boxes of tissues, maybe less.


When I was little

I still remembered when my parent brought me places. It brings me joy whenever and whenever they are here with me, with my brothers. I feel...home.
The best place of all was of course the place where there were dinosaurs in it. Yes, dinosaurs, t-rex, triceratops, brontosaurus, pterodactyl etc. You can actually bring me to these places and I will love you forever. Yes, that was me when I was little. It's even better when you bought me figurines as well.


And of other things, when I was little I wanted to be like my Abah (dad). He was source of my inapiration. Kids will always be kids. Their dad are their idol, hero, and jubilant pills.


And so, my dad loves to play golf. He'd always take us to golf course, or driving range whenever he had time Abah loves to play golf as his hobby and sports and it influenced me to play golf too. But too bad, I was seven at that time and there were no suitable golf stick for me to play. I was only able to use my father's stick and I was terible at it.  


Abah promised me to buy a set of golf just for kids, and I was really gappy at that time. You know, to hit the golf balls hard was some of the best way to exercise. But the promise was not fulfilled, and I lost my interest in golf sonce then.



When I was in love

It was still crystal clear in my memories when I first fall in love with a person so badly that I would fall for anything for her. That was the moment I thought I had found my soulmate. A person that I wanted to live for the rest of my life together with.


I first knew her from my sister. She was my sister's best friend and also her classmate way back then. It took few months to get to know her, until there was this time that I asked her to be in a relationship. It was awkward at first, considering that she is the same age as my sister, and every secrets that they shared many things together.


It was beautiful. I am really thankful for be able to know someone like her. I wished that we can overcome everything that stands between us. And able to stay strong with us improve whatever is lacking. I wished she can be my sunshine, my moon, my starstruck, my glimmer cape, my wonderwoman, my smile, my happiness.


It started turning bad when my sister had an argument with her, and it torn their relationship. At first, it did not affect any to our relationship. We still are able to overcome despite of that. We even promised to ourself, that if in case someone is breaking down, we together resolve the matter as quick as possible and the most important of all, we do not turn ourself in. However, the story did not lasted long.


In the end, one day, she decided to give in. I was not able to stop her because she said it was her own decision and it was for the best. I was speechless, because the broken up was very hard and unexpected. She even used words that was beyond means. She wrote harsh words in her blog that made me so useless and pathetic. Does she know that I was the one who always had her back? Nevertheless, I respect her decisions, and so I let her go, because I love her, and I care about her, I still do. 


When I lived in the monstrous reality

I had friends. Too many friends that one time I trusted them and I was taken for granted. I believed them to easily just because I believe friends are understanding and did not stab at the back and I was wronged after all.


When I remembered this moment, I felt so much foolish of how this happened to me, every time that I could not take it anymore and I felt life is better without me around. Patience endured me well. It took time for me to heal, not completely. I cried so hard and I even wished that I was better off following my parent, somewhere at the other side of life.


I had my family mocked me for my actions, that I was selfish prick that did not deserve to be part of their life. It was hard, I was not capable of doing actions myself. If only I could meet the motherfucker one more time, I would finish them myself even if I had doubts that I could ever do it, someday.


Life has been quite challenging since then. Everyone turned their back on me, having me to go through this alone, while some offered sympathy but all I wver wanted was to meet that motherfucker one more time and beat them off for as much as I could til I feel satisfied for it affected me and my family until to this date. So belittle. You are messing with the wrong family. 


Hope and beliefs that kept me on groumd to keep moving forward and be tougher day by day. Life is hard, but you are stronger than ever.


"What ever happens, happens and there will still be tommorrow, until you decided to stop."
-Unknown